Desperate For a Big Spoon
I have been single for over three years now. The majority of that time has been spent living my best life (excuse the cliche). I've been free to travel, to flirt, to date, to play the field a little (or sometimes a lot) - something I never really did in my teen years like most people.
Previous to these last three years, I was a serial monogamist. I loved being in a relationship and more than that, I loved love! I loved being in love, having someone to love and all the soppy romantic crap that goes along with it. I will be as bold to say, I was a bloody great girlfriend! So naturally when I found myself out of luck and out of love it was a pretty big adjustment. But one I definitely needed.
I’m sure I'm not the only one who has found 2020 the hardest year yet to be single.
I had spent the most impressionable years of my life with a man by my side. Not to say that this is entirely a bad thing, I think in many ways the love and adoration I received is partly responsible for my confidence and the person I am today. But I do sometimes wonder how different I would be if I spent those crucial years alone, without being shaped by someone else's love, if I became my own person before I let a man in. But more than just shaping us, past loves shape what we want and what we know. I was lucky, at such a young age to find that movie worthy love that we all dream about. The passion, the fireworks, the long romantic love letters and heart shaped pancakes. (sickening I know) And because of this, I love love! What could be better than having someone absolutely adore you, flaws and all, and feeling the same way about them.
I’m sure I'm not the only one who has found 2020 the hardest year yet to be single. Before this year I sometimes missed being in love, sure, and missed the little things a relationship gives you that you just cannot fulfill with one night stands or kissing strangers in bars. But I was actually enjoying being single. Having no ties, no responsibility and only having to consider myself in every decision I made. It suited my mid twenties life and was exactly what I needed.
But this year, all the things that made single life exciting and fun have ceased to exist. The traveling, flirting with strangers, the spontaneity and freedom of my previously exciting, single and ready to mingle life, OVER. Yes, I’m being a tad dramatic and of course I realise that there are way bigger problems in the world than the fact that I can’t kiss strangers anymore. (Something that probably wasn't particularly safe or sanitary in the first place).
Perhaps it’s the drama and chaos of this year, or perhaps it’s that I'm getting old but this year more than ever, I have felt a little desperate. Something that no one wants to be and I feel horribly vulnerable for admitting. I'm not entirely sure what I am desperate for. Perhaps human contact would suffice, someone to spoon me or a hand to hold or just having someone to talk to everyday. I know I am not alone in this and maybe we need to not be so hard on ourselves. Being needy, desperate or keen is most women's worst nightmare and something we try so hard not to be. But I think we get a free pass this year. Not only has 2020 lacked any excitement and adventure, it’s lacked company and human interaction. Isn’t it only natural that all we crave right now is someone’s arms around us?
Normally I’d be the first to say, ‘don’t lower your standards,’ ‘make them work for you,' 'play it cool'. But this year I have ignored all my own advice. I have double messaged, (sometimes triple) gone crawling back when they’ve been a bit of a dick and swiped for people I’m not even that attracted to. Under normal circumstances, I would be a tragic mess but I think this year I'm just a girl who is a little lonely and in need of the occasional compliment, even if it is coming from a stranger on tinder.
If you feel a little lonely right now, no doubt made even worse by all the soppy christmas movies on Netflix at the moment, just remember that this is only temporary, both your single status and your current state of desperation. Single life will go back to being great, you will remember how to be cool and how to flirt without the use of GIFS and order will be restored. But for now embrace the neediness, send that second message and take attention wherever you can get it.
(But I will go ahead and advise that you avoid messaging the ex. However desperate you're feeling right now, we both know future you will regret it. You're much better off finding yourself a nice stranger on bumble.)